In my life there are days where I can mimic the beautiful lines of a Prima Ballerina. Weightlessly gliding through the air with my head held high.
Then there are days when I have two left feet. Each limb going in its own direction. I miscalculate and foolishly come crashing down.
Then are days when I fly through the air like the wind underneth the wings of swan. Sadly, my decent slams my bruised body onto a rosin dusted stage.
I stand up, dust myself off, go back into first portion and start anew. With tears in my eye, scraped knees, and feelings of defeat I begin to rise once more. I leap into the empty space knowing there is a 50/50 chance I will rise flawlessly towards the ceiling; or become a part of the orchestra.
I am a graceful tumbler.
There is a saying you tell one lie, then another lie to cover up the first lie so on and so forth. Now, at some point those lies, (or as my Granny would you “tellin stories 😁) will catch up with said liar because they forget the first damn lie.
Now, I may not be the sharpest tool in box; but I can tell when a lie is a lie. So, I ask questions. Being a woman we are natural born directives. 🤔🤠 We almost always know the answers, before we ask questions to see what the responses would be.
What is so funny, is why lie about small stuff (more importantly what lie at all. But I digress.) Be real about the situation. You broke, hell I’m broke too. You are staying with family until you get your own place, been there done that it’s all good. As long as you’re trying to get on your feet.
I could go on, but I won’t. The moral of this post is this equation: 1 lie x several other lies= bullshit and loss of someone that will only see you as that tellin’ stories ass ninja.
😂😂 I crack myself up sometimes.
Hate- Intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
b: extreme dislike or disgust : ANTIPATHY, LOATHING
Hate can cause people to do and say some deplorable things. Instinctively when we hear “hate” we think of race, sexuality, religion, etc. Flashes of KKK members with their burning crosses (or service revolvers) or the “commander-in-chef” encouraging hate by saying “they are some good people.” Get the fuck out of here with all that bullshit.
The hate I’m talking about is the hate that is buried soooo deep there is no explanation to be given of why. It’s the driving force for someone to make if their daily goal to chip away at the remnants of someone that was left from the day before.
It’s so far down in the heart that no light escapes like a black hole. When asked, “why do you hate me so much?” they refuse the consideration to answer.
Thus, the obsessive, over analyzing, disecting, and brutal mental warfare begins.
Add that to the other shit in life…
Living with anxiety and depression takes its toll on me almost daily. I cover it up to be “normal” around everyone. Sometimes my poker face fails me. When I break, I break hard and fast.
In early September, I found out that I have masses on my lymphoid and nodules on my right lungs. This was
after suffuring from the pain for 4 months. The masses on my lymphoid was pressing against my esophagus causing me to choke and gag on my food. I had lost 36lbs in 3 months. Every bite I had to drink something to keep my airway open. I would gasp for air like when you come from under water.
The nodules on my right lung are pressing against my trachea causing me to be short is breath and lose 30% of my airway. At first, I thought it was my asthma. Living in the Midwest in the summer with high humidity does a number on anyone with respiratory issues. I was using my inhaler doing several breathing treatments per day. Nothing helped. I would get winded walking around the house.
Fast-forward to this week. On Friday, I will be going in for an emergency biopsy on my lymphoid. My doctor is concerned about the “c” word only because of the rapid weight loss. He said there is a good chance that I have Sarcoidosis, which is treatable.
Now, add all of this: going through a divorce, returning to work after a 2-month medical leave due to my bipolar depression and anxiety trying to get on the right combination of meds, had to sell me car for rent money when I first went back to work, having to quit school, struggling with the relationship with my oldest daughter, and reconnecting with my first love from middle school. Due to all of this my anxiety is making me feel like I’m in a free fall into a dark place. I’m back to midnight eating. (I wake up in the middle of the night just to eat then go back to sleep. I can’t go back to sleep until I eat something.)
I’m a woman of faith, but I feel like my faith is failing me. Or could it be that I am failing my faith? In any case, I try to live and lean on this scripture: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6, but there is no comfort there. I don’t know what to do. My faith is what I lean on no matter what, but right now I can’t. I feel too broken for God to hear and care about me.
I often take inventory of my life. Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I use certain words more often than others? Do I give beyond me means? Why do I love as deep as I do? Is there a step ledge leading me head first off the deep end to give to one more person?
In not talking about financially above me means. I’m talking about giving me above what is in me to give. It may strange or simply insane. Just follow me.
Giving beyond my means is in reference to how deep I reach down to give all of me to every situation. Questioning myself am I giving too much to soon? How do I get myself in a variety of conundrums that leaves me wondering if did I give too much or not enough? I want to give so I do.
Giving gives me joy. I melt when my love looks at me in a certain way. Do I look at him the same? Can I match what he is giving? It scares me as to how much I want and can give. Will I become overbearing? Will one day I shut down when there is nothing more to give?
Why do I dig past the layers of my dermis and epidermis to give blindly. I usually chock up to the heart of a servant the Lord has blessed me with. Yet, I still wonder can you really give too much of yourself and still be a whole person.
I don’t know, but I ask myself why…
It intrigues me as to how relationships work. I say this for a various of reasons. Yet, I will only speak of one: communication.
Several yes ago in a previous relationships I learned about the five love languages.
1. Words of Affirmation (compliments, positive uplifting comments)
2.Acts of Service
( any act of kindness)
3. Receiving Gifts
(self explanatory, but the giver also receives the gift of giving)
4. Quality Time
(need I say more?)
5. Physical Touch
(touch me here, and here, and here)
Each of these requires communication. To take the confusion out of relationships clear communication is key. You show or tell your partner this is what makes you happy or unhappy.
As we get to know our partners we learn what their love language is. To do this there has to be an effort from each party. Look, at the reaction of practicing one or all of the languages.
Don’t be mistaken, you can have all five of the love whispers. It doesn’t matter how many you have; it’s how you use them.
So, get with your boo and start loving through your new form of communication.
Hello all! My apologies for my absence. I have been fighting several battles that have left me beyond exhausted. I may share them with you all at a later date.
I can say that when God removes a toxic person in your life, you feel the relief immediately. Then, true love finds you. Like it has been patiently waiting in the wings for its queue to make its entrance to the front and center stage. With that love there is a new found sense of purpose and appreciation. The pain of the past still lingers, but as the good book says, “love conquers all.”
It has been a long time for me to be able and willing to share my heart completely with someone that is willing to share his heart with me.
Once in a lifetime you will find that love that mirrors you. They will love as hard as you do. You compete with each other to see who can love harder and deeper.
I have found my love this is my poemto him…
You are my peace in a chaotic world.
You are my comfort when I lonely.
You are the reason my heart is filled with love.
You are my protection that provides an umbrella in the midst of my storm.
You are my present and future.
You are a reflection of me.
I don’t have anything me to post as of right now. Working on s few things that are time sensitive. Classes start next month sooooo, gotta lot to form a new routine, at need goals, and knock them down one by one.
My biggest project is scaring the crap of out of me. I guess that means it’s will be a success. Or I an acid to crash and burn. Haha Either way, I will do it gracefully.
The best is yet to come…
You know when the spirit of God is IN you. I mean IN you. You cry tears of joy and elation to see or hear of another life transformed simply by saying “Yes!” Even in videos I cry because EVERYDAY EVER MOMENT is always a good time for praise. To me tears are the highest form of praise. They say the words or conveys the message when words can’t, Our God knows our needs through those tears. No one hears me out there.
I don’t claim to know the Bible front to back, up and down, but I CAN tell you this. You can NEVER mistake the spirit of God that is IN you. Y’all don’t get it. In the midst of our own battles that we face with Christ in our lives, there is someone who HASN’T tasted the living water of grace, forgiveness, love, and faith.
You know when the spirit of God is IN you. I mean IN you. You cry tears of joy and elation to see or hear of another life transformed simply by saying “Yes!” Even in videos I cry because EVERYDAY EVER MOMENT is always a good time for praise. To me tears are the highest form of praise. They say the words or conveys the message when words can’t, but God knows our needs through those tears. No one hears me out there in FB land!
I don’t claim to know the Bible front to back, up and down, but I CAN tell you this. You can NEVER mistake the spirit of God that is IN you. Y’all don’t get it. In the midst of our own battles that we face with Christ in our lives, there is someone who HASN’T tasted the living water off grace, forgiveness, love, and faith. In the midst of our own mess we can use it to turn it into our message to open the door. We can turn our tests into our testimony! I am crying so hard right now because y’all just don’t know. With the God that is IN you MUST be used teach all nations!
There is a fire in me I can’t sit still! Imma shut up now. Y’all just don’t know. WON’T HE DO IT! AMEN!
In the midst of our own mess we can use it to turn it into our message to open the door. We can turn our tests into our testimony! I am crying so hard right now because y’all just don’t know. With the God that is IN you MUST be used teach all nations!
There is a fire in me I can’t sit still! Imma shut up now. Y’all just don’t know.
WON’T HE DO IT! AMEN!
(This is to the beat of “Whatta Man” By Salt N Pepa)
I want to take a minute or two let know what I do as a mom.
I make sure you eat.
I make sure you got shoes on your feet.
I’m ya ride so you can make it there on time.
You can miss me with the lies, because I said the same rhyums.
I’m there as your nurse.
I do all that I can to keep you out the hearse.
I’m a good mom.
Whatta might good mom.
Yes, I am.
I teach you right from wrong.
So, put down that bong.
I see all that you even when I’m not around.
I got spy’s in these streets, they hold me down.
I teach manners, respect, and above all love.
I send you into this world with gentle nudge.
Don’t dispare yo mamma is there cuz you gotta good mom.
Whatta might good mom.
Yes, I am.
I bail you out of jail even when you put me through hell.
Get otta line Imma get that tail.
Loved you when I couldn’t love myself.
I feed you the last food that’s on the shelf.
I was mama and daddy when your pops was gone.
My struggles showed that I was strong.
You only get one mama, so betta treat her care.
Because when she’s gone you gonna want her there.
You had a good mom
Whatta might good mom.
Yes, I am.