Wax

Hey everyone!

It’s been a bit since my last post. Life has been a downer for the most part. However, I’m the withering plains of roses there is one lonely rose that refuses to die. Here is one I wrote a few months ago. I hope you like it.

Wax
I want to make you melt from my warm flame that dances in the back drop off our bodies.

I will wait for your warm puddle to splash and harden against my tingling temple.

I want to inhale you into my lungs as we breathe as one.

The trembling in your stomach says that I am all yours.

As the tempature raises from the candle, our wax mingles with each other.

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We can no longer tell who is who and what was what.

The wax blends together to make such a sweet scent.

We merge together in equal parts as we were meant.

As the fire turns into smoke our puddle of wax begins to harden as one.

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If I Were White…

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If I were white, I could live without the fear of my name being added to another statisticical report that declared my life didn’t matter.

If I were white…

If I were white, I would be able to speak of the holocaust without the insult “it happened a long time ago, let it go.”

If I were white…

If I were white, I wouldn’t feel the need to clean my kitchen or wash my meat before I cook.

If I were white..

If I were white, the courts would dismiss my case or punish me with a slap on the wrist for any offense.

If I were white…

If I were white, I would be allowed the privilege of entering a store without being the center of attention for security.

If I were white…

If I were white, I wouldn’t have to engrave the images of my children’s faces to memory because there is a chance I may never see them again.

If I were white…

If I were white, I would be able to engage in an intense intellectual debate without being seen as “another angry black woman.”

If I were white…

If I were white, my academic integrity would not be questioned based on exceptional achievements.

If I were white.. .

The words I speak to you today would be irrelevant, because I would be white…

Still

I have a special place that I go to when my mind is cloudy and my heart is broken. I seek the stillness of the lake.

Some days I sit and cry. Other days I simply watch the ripples on the water. As I watch the water I see a perfect place full of peace. Even with the stillness of the lake I have no peace.

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Today, I sat and talked to God trying to understand where my life is going. As I pray the wind begins to stir the leaves as the water drifts every so closely to me. It’s the stillness of the lake began to disappear.

I close my eyes and let the wind dry my tears while the Lord wraps me in his arms. He whispers to me let it go. It seems as if I am just now feeling the warmth of the sun against my skin. The stillness of the lake reminds me he is in control.

Counting My Losses

2018 has been year full of loses. I have lost love, friendships, jobs, my sanity, and yes even my faith.

Towards the end, I found self-love. I accepted and embraced my flaws, but I still lost. I became lost in a new place alone.

Sadly, for someone reason I somewhat expected to this much. See, when you lose so much so often it is something you can no longer get mad about.

On the other hand, losing someone or something could be a benefit in the long run. The crazy thing about that, the things you try so hard to hold onto you smother, it whithers away,  and dies.

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After each lose, I feel myself gravitating to the dark dangerous head space that had often caused me to think what is this life really about.

Confessions

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Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

 

Do you every just sit in silence waiting for the walls to speak to you?

I do.

Do you ever look at your reflection as if you are seeing it for the first time?

I do.

Do you ever cry at how blessed you are and become so overwhelmed by God’s grace and favor?

I do.

Have you every pondered why am I on this journey of hardships and pain?

I did, then I remembered this:

“I am convinced and confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will [continue to] perfect and complete it until the day of Christ Jesus [the time of His return]. It is right for me to feel this way about you, because [you have me in your heart as] I have you in my heart, since both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the good news [regarding salvation], all of you share in [His matchless] grace with me.”
PHILIPPIANS 1:6‭-‬7 AMP

Still Standing

1542762891474818062060Hello everyone. Sorry for my lack of communication since my last post. I am going to let you all know something important.

After my inpatient stay in August to my last post a lot has happened. I haven’t written because my last post triggered several night terrors. I refused to write again because I was afraid to trigger another episode. However, that has given me the courage to write today. This isn’t about me, but about healing.

I am working through the loss of a 10 year friendship. That feeling coupled with dealing with the courts has mentally and emtionally drained me. I have fallen into a dark place. The place where there was comfort. I was getting too comfortable there.

I had drifted from God in the last 6-7 months. That drift was the opportunity that allowed the enemy to slide in and set up camp. He knew he was going to be there for awhile. During his stay I participated in activities that contributed to making him feel comfotable there.

I have been bindging on almond joys, vending machine food, soda (which I stopped drinking years ago) sweets wherever I could get them. The fast food addiction started to creep in as well. Junk food most times was my lunch and dinner. The devil knew he had me then.

In the last two weeks I began humming some of my annointed gospel songs. My go to “comfort food” for me soul. The humming then turned into singing. Just a few words here and there. Then singing along with the radio, at home, at work. My soul has began to awaken. I could feel the conflict of God and the devil both trying to occupy the same space in my heart and mind. My praise announced the plea for the troops of truth.

 My mind and soul were scrimmaging  for my protection as angels crossed the battle field and rescued me.  They were the reinforcement provided by God’s army. They begimed to carried me off the battle field because they knew I was close to death. I layed in the trenches for days as the angles began to feverishly bring to breath life into me.

The tears began to slowly subsided. I could feel my body start to crawl to God. Every movement peices of the enemy began to melt away. He had been riding me like a horse. The weight of him left me bresthless. I’m not strong enough to walk yet, but I’m not letting that stop me.

Yes, I have fallen several times, but I got back up. My fuel and encouragement was with me all this time: my Bible and my bestie turned sister. The Bible says that iron sharpens iron “Iron sharpeneth iron; So a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17 ASV  She and I have became the iron God speaks of.

I am following several devotional plans and using my sword of to gain my sanity. My anthem has became The Breakup Song by Francesca Battistelli. Check it out https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H0wpP5o7xpI

My point is we have to reclaim our territorty. We have to be thirsty for his word to remain hydrated to keep going. We have to eat his words like its your last meal. These are the actions of someone rising from the muck that has been holding us down for so long.

This announces to the world: I am still standing.

The Journey Begins: The Intake

Anyone that has been to jail or in prison can tell you about the strip search. Going into my first inpatient stay, the intake was a scary event for me.

After being transported from the main hospital ER to the psych hospital was  stressful. I did not know where I was being taken. Upon arrival, I was lead to a small office by the front door by the intake nurse. My leg was asking so hard, I was shaking the desk. She assured me everything would be okay. Her comfort didn’t make me feel any better.

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I spoke inbetween tears, sniffles and deep breaths. After she took my info, completed papetwork, she explained the body search. I had to be body searched prior to be taken to my room. I felt so embarrassed to be there, now you want to search me? I was a ball of unwinging yarn.

After all the paperwork was completed, she lead me to a little slower room for the search. She explained what she would be doing before she touched me. I guess to reduce the akwardness of a stranger touching me.

She told me to strip down to my panties and bra. After putting on some examination gloves she told me what she was about to do. She’s instructed me to left up my breasts, asked if I had on an underwire, then she ran her fingers aross the bottom of my bra.

After she confirmed I didn’t have an unwire or a weapons I had to pull my underwear down to my thighs. She checked again to verify no weapons. I felt so violated. I felt even worse when she asked me to lift up my stomach. She took my paper like clothes and gave me two hospital gowns. One to conver my front and the other to cover my back.

After getting dressed she showed me to  my room. I didn’t pay attention to what it looked like or the path to get there, I just wanted to sleep.

And that I did…

The Journey Begins: The Loss…

Let me tell you about the job loss in detail.  The date was July 3, 2018. I was employed by a staffing agency, and I was still in my training period, and attendance was critical to maintaining gainful employment. My first blow was being struck with severe food poising.

I showed up for my shift early as usual on the 3rd. I advised my trainers that I wasn’t feeling well due to food posing. I asked to change my seat to sit closer to the door to make a quick exit to the restroom. After struggling until close to lunch, they sent me home. I confirmed that my job would be secure due to leaving the second week of training. They confirmed, yes I would still have a job to come back to.

Early the next morning, July 4th I hadn’t slept due to horrible nausea, which leads to vertigo, vomiting, diarrhea, and a pounding headache. I knew something was wrong because I hadn’t urinated since late Monday. I googled the closest urgent care to call to verify if I needed to go to the ER or if it was something that I could take care of at home. Thankfully, the urgent care I called was a mobile urgent care. It was a real blessing from God because there was no way that I could get behind the wheel of anything. Hell, I couldn’t even stand up.

The mobile urgent care nurse stated that I was severely dehydrated and she started an IV of fluids as well as and meds for nausea. As the nurse was starting my IV, the other nurse began asking me questions regarding my insurance and my full contact information for my registration. The lead RN called a prescription to the pharmacy for Norfran (anti-nausea dissolvable tablets).  Since it was a holiday, my regular pharmacy was closed. The closest 24-hour pharmacy was the Walgreens several miles away. It was great that I had the meds, however, how was I going to get them? LZDUC

My 20-year- old daughter was at the movies with her friends. I called and asked her if she would run to get my meds for me. She blandly stated, ” Uh, no I’m at the movies, and I’m not leaving.” “Please, I can’t drive across town to the  pharmacy where they were called in.” I pleaded with her as I began crying. “Why are you crying?” She asked as if it was nothing that I sick and couldn’t do for myself. “Never mind, it’s okay,” I said with so much hurt and pain in my voice that my heart hurt more than my body at the time. “Okay, bye.” She said so coldly.

I eventually got the strength to walk to the 7-11 across the street. I was staggering across the street as a police officer drove by and watched me until I ascended into the light. He was able to see that I wasn’t drunk, that I was sick by the way I was massaging my stomach and crying. I was able to get two bottles of Gatorade. Within a few minutes after sipping the Gatorade, I was feeling well enough to get to sleep.

Things still hadn’t improved enough for me to get off the couch, so get ready for work and attempting to drive was hazard to myself and others. Being the true “trooper” that I had been, I pleaded with God to be with me so that I could make it work on time and safely. This time I didn’t make it past our first break at 10am. I was sent home again. I returned to work on the 6th I wasn’t 100%, but well enough to be in class, sip my water, Gatorade, and nibble on some saltine crackers.

The next two incidents resulting in a tardy were a flat tire. After the first flat tire, I bought two new tires that week. I thought that I was set no more tire issues. Like Murphy’s Law, one of my other older tires went flat, and I had to get some fix-a-flat to get me to work. I was praying it would last until I got paid the end of the next week.

After the 2nd tire debacle, I was written up on a warning. Any other attendance issues I would be terminated. At this point, every day was like a ticking clock of what else could happen. My anxiety was crazy high and was popping Xanax almost every morning to get through the day without any issues. I could practically guarantee that universe was against me as I got stuck in traffic. I was 15 minutes late. I had a meeting with management and said that a decision would be made by the end of the business day regarding my employment.

The business day for August 2, 2018, was closing, and I was asking my trainers as well as my supervisor has there been a decision made. My trainers stated they aren’t privy to that information while my supervisor said that she doesn’t know she has been in meetings all day after our meeting. The day ended, and I let out a sigh of relief until my recruiter called me as I was driving out of the parking lot.

“Natalia, I received confirmation from the client that they would like to terminate your contract due to your attendance. I am sorry to tell you. As of this point, all communication with the client will cease, and you would only communicate through the staffing agency. I understand that you have the company laptop as well as some other company issued materials. Is that correct?” He calmly tried to speak over my loud sniffles and shaking voice.

He assured me that he understands that things happen. He offered to meet up with me the next morning and would treat me to breakfast to figure things out and receive the client’s materials. We talked over our meal, and he stated that I am still able to be placed with the agency and he will continue to look for another placement for me.

It didn’t hit me until later that night of August 2; I was unemployed. I wasn’t able to file for unemployment because I had claimed several months the summer in 2015 while I was working at a minimum wage paying gig to make ends meet. So, I wasn’t able to file unemployment until the almost $4,500 with interest and penalties have been paid back. Not only was I unemployed I didn’t have any source of income.

Saturday August 4th , 2018, after making my way through the fog of shock, I realized the gravity of the situation. Life began to crest up a steep hill that would later take me to a dark low I thought I had left behind many years ago. I guess it is true; old habits die hard…

The Journey Begins

I had my first inpatient visit in a psych hospital on August 8, 2018, for a two-week stay after a suicide attempt by ingesting several of my prescription sleep meds and Xanax mixed with several shots of tequila. My goal was to melt away into the world of darkness and obsolete of pain.

After losing my job (a job that I loved and was devoted to.) due to severe food posing with life-threatening dehydration, two tardies from two flat tires, and another tardy from a traffic jam on the highway all while still in training. I was warned of my tardies for my flat tires the last straw was getting caught in traffic. I had made it habit of getting to work 15-20 early every day without fail. Often I was clocking in before my trainers, and my other classmates were pulling into the parking garage. I began to spiral out of control mentally and emotionally. I had lost yet another job in the same year, and it was getting old.

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I saw the disappointment in my daughter’s eyes as I informed them of another job loss. I got the impression that they almost expected it. After telling them, I had to face the music and tell my husband. I was crying hysterically as I tried to tell him what happened. The first day he was comforting and stated that it is okay that I would find another job. The next day it was as if he wanted to blame me for attacking me. I confided in him several times over our years together about during my times of depression from my bipolar illness I would free fall down the rabbit hole of disrepair consisting of several days without bathing.

He screamed at me, “You didn’t go in there body and breath stankin’ you know how you get when you’re depressed. I don’t believe you were only late a few times. How could you be the only one that was late due to traffic?” I refuted his attacks by stating, “No, I was pleased about this job. Every day I would be the first one there. I have not been that low in months to cause me not to bathe. Even during those times I always brushed my teeth. Are you calling me a liar about being early and everything else?!” He yells, “Yes, I am calling you a liar!” At that moment I ended the call by saying, “Fuck you and everything you stand for!” before hanging up.

The next day I sent him my time card information from my start date to my end date. The same message informed that I would be admitting myself to an inpatient facility on Wednesday, August 8 after a 10:00 am an interview. I told him I would send him an email to let him know that I was out. That was the last he heard from me for almost three weeks. After sending him two messages that I was out and that he could contact me, there was radio silence…..

This post begins my blog series of ” The Journey Begins” as I give you the details of my suicide attempt, my inpatient and all the horrors that followed.

The Power of Change

I have had plenty of setbacks and discouragements in my life, but my sense of cause has enabled me to keep getting up and keep on going. One of the keys to David’s success was his passion for the cause and an eye for the reward.

Eliab’s anger was aroused against David, and he said, “Why did you come down here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride and the insolence of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” And David said, “What have I done now? Is there not a cause? (1 Sam 17:28-29 NKJV)

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Our lives are as powerful as the cause they are attached to. If you have a vision for your life that is attached to a cause – especially the cause of King Jesus – this will be your motivation to change.

The reward of change is the blessing of God. Your life will improve, you’ll have a sense of well-being and fulfillment. The change that God brings lines up your life with His will, and when this happens, you start to see the fruit in every area of your life. The key is to make good choices, every day. This brings positive change in your life while bringing you continually closer to Jesus and being transformed into His likeness.

When Jesus challenged the rich, young ruler to change (Mark 10:17-22) he walked away sorrowful and unchanged.

Do you have someone in your life who loves you enough to look at you and tell you what you need to hear? Be willing to embrace change when the opportunity comes rather than making excuses that will keep you where you are. Change begins with the decision to change.