One Lonely Tear

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As I lay here wondering when will the tears cease so that I may have peace. No answer is given. I am left with the silence of this white, pale room.

 
A single tear makes a salty trail down from the corners of my eyes that collect in my ears. One tear follows another and another.

 
My tears fall in silence as I struggle to muffle my sniffles. I cover my mouth in hopes no one can hear me weeping.

 
I am not sure what has brought this emotional pendulum swing. All I know is one lonely ear after another has soaked my pillow.

 
I fight an internal battle that no one can see. I would rather have eternal wounds that can be somewhat explained. All I have is a mind smashed into mush as my thoughts clash with each other.

 
One single tear opens the flood gate of many more tears of anger and rage. The war between the conscious and subconscious dual on the battlefield of my mind.

 
Will the voices wither away to be replaced with sanity? Will I eventually drown by the pool of blood spilled on the battlefield of my soul?

 
I question myself wondering why am I such a burden? I curse God for the feeling of abandonment. His word says he will never or for sake me, but here I lay with a puffy face, bloodshot eyes, and a soggy pillow. That started with one lonely tear.

Who Me?

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As I walk past the mirror, I question who she is?

 
From arches of my brows to the lines of my lips, oh that’s me!

 
As I admire myself, I am more than just my face.

 
I see the wounds of time no longer hold its place.

 
As my eyes glow with the passion for the desire to serve. I first love myself the way I deserve.

 

A true woman of God that’s what they say. I only bow before the King as I pray.

 

In his eyes, I am destined to rise beyond the sky.

 

In my mind, I ask, who am I not to try?

 
In my mirror, I take one last twirl.

 

Watch out the world make way cuz here comes ya girl!

 
The woman in the mirror, yep it’s me.

 
When the world told me no, I said wait and see.

 
The woman in the mirror, yep it’s me.

 

A Godly woman, I must agree.

Whispers

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Whisper my name as I stake my claim.
I will release your name just the same.

My finger tips have begun to lose its grip.
Drink of the water, don’t just take a sip.

Our eyes speak a silent language that brings new life.
You are my husband and I am your wife.

You carry me as if I were a feather.
The love we have stands the test of time and weather.

I whisper your name as I try to explain.
That your love helps ease my past of pain.

You whisper my name with such a sweet release.
I whisper your name as I pray this sweet moment doesn’t cease.

My breath is staggered as I attempt to hold on.
I hear you whisper you are mine alone.

I whispered your name as you staked your claim.
You released my name just the same.

 

Self-Destruction

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The word unity has been used for centuries and continually used as communities continue to deteriorate. “We need to unite to end crime.” “We must join to protest and act against the entities that attempt to continue to oppress us.” “We demand to be respected!”

How can there be “a strive for change” when there is only lip service without action. Let us look at the unity ( or the lack thereof) in African-American communities/social culture.

How can there be unity if everyone has been sublimely trained to be against each other over trivial things? For example, skin tone or the particular grade of hair. The theory of using skin tone to divide and conquer a group of people (African-Americans) can be explained by the generational residue of the “Willie Lynch Syndrome.”

This theory was presented by Willie Lynch on the banks of the James River in the colony of Virginia in 1712. Lynch was a British slave owner in the West Indies. He was invited to the colony of Virginia to teach his methods to slave owners there. Here are the tactics devised to divide, conquer and control slaves.

This theory was the foundation of an “outline” to help colonist slave owners to gain better “control” over their slaves by creating the distrust among slaves. The old against the young, the light skinned against the dark skinned, women against men, and the house slaves against the field slaves.

The was a brilliant plan to dismantle the unity slaves once had when they arrived in the colonies. The shocking fact regarding this speech/theory was this, “….I guarantee every one of you that if installed correctly it will control the slaves for at least 300 years. My method is simple. Any member of your family or your overseer can use it. I have outlined a number of differences among the slaves and make the differences bigger. I use fear, distrust, and envy for control….” Heaggans (2003 ), Notice this was a method to control several generations unbeknownst to them. I would recommend reading the full speech to understand the details of the speech/theory.

Division in the family unit is also spoken about in the biblical text, ” “From now on, five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. 53 They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” Luke 12:52-53.

The African-American family/community that was once strong and united are now distant and divided. For our community to regain, it’s strength and voice we must break down the actual meaning of the word “unity” and confirm if it is a reality or a myth.

U= Understand. We must all understand WHY we are divided and find a solution to correct it.

N= Necessary/Necessity. It is essential and a necessity for creating, implementing, and upholding positive ways to band together.

I = Intrest. There HAS to be an interest in the community to see there is a need for change for the modifications to take place. The first step is admitting there is a problem.

T – Time. In this day and age, instant gratification rules all and when results are not instantly provided society loses interest. Along with time, we need consistency.

Y = YOU! You, yes you can make a different to the contribution to the rise or continued fall of our community.

Each and everyone one of us can contribute to the improvements amongst our fellow brother or sister. How can we expect or have the gall to demand other races to respect us when there is clear evidence that we cannot and do not respect ourselves? We continue to kill, steal, and destroy members of our families/ communities as if it is an “accepted way of life.”

It is perceived that it is “okay” to pillage in our backyards. However, it is not acceptable for others to do the same. There is a double standard against whites when they partake in the same actions. Each one teaches one teach one to come together. We must focus on building each other up instead of tearing each other down. A subtle compliment or genuine good wish creates a sense of equality and uplifting among our race. We have to start on the inside and work our way out for change.

In the famous words of James Brown, “Say it loud! I’m black, and I’m proud!” When we know better, we do better.

Citation

Heaggans, Raphael C. “When the opprestsed becomes the oppressor: Willie Lynch and the politics of race and racism in hip-hop music.” West Virginia University Philological Papers, vol. 50, 2003, p. 77+. Literature Resource Center, go.galegroup.com/ps/i.do p=LitRC&sw=w&u=uphoenix_uopx&v=2.1&id=GALE%7CA115407099&it=r&asid=d983d96c2eb1756d5e9f2674995acebc. Accessed 12 July 2017.

These Curves

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Can you handle these curves as they majestically call your name? Do you like how they whisper you to come and play a game? Can you handle these curves?

 
Can you handle these curves as you caress my face? Let the curves of your lips meet the curves of this lace. Can you handle these curves?

 
Can you handle these curves as you admire the shadows of the unseen? Do you wish to come closer and I will show you what I mean? Can you handle these curves?

 
Can you handle these curves as they rise and fall to mystical places unknown? Are you willing to explore? Do I leave you wanting more? Can you handle these curves?

 
Can you handle these curves as they leave you breathless? Would you like to take a moment’s rest? Why stop now can you handle this test? Can you handle these curves?

 
Let the question linger as we drift back from space. Can you handle these curves that as we share this place? Can you handle these curves?

Nat

 

The Path Less Taken

 

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Many times in life we chose to take a path that wavers from what society has labeled as  “conventional” lifestyle. The side glances are questioning why the hell would we do that? Or why would we do that? Often we don’t choose the path; the path chooses us. I don’t believe in chance encounters. I do, however, believe that God places certain people in our lives at a certain time for a particular reason.

There is a saying that some people pass thru in our lives for a season, while others are rooted for a lifetime. To my surprise, I feel I have lost some of those life sources. My choice has caused me to stand alone with me, myself, I, and God. Certain situations can be perceived, judged, and ridiculed by so many that have no clue to the strength it takes to face the situation ALONE.  I am saying that it takes a special type of person to love beyond the “societal norms” established long ago.

I stand alone based on an unpopular choice. I stand alone in an empty place. I stand firm on my faith and remember that if God is for me, who can be against me? Growth is determined in life based on the experiences and lessons we endure as we mature. The maturity goes far beyond the crossing the line into adulthood. It is a penetrating maturity that is nurtured by Agape Love.

Nat

 

 

 

I Love You So Deeply

My husband is an amazing father to our daughters (his daughter by birth and my two daughters by marriage). I think of all of the times over the last 8 years of how he has shown them how deeply he loves them. His actions reflect the true example of an awesome dad. Enjoy

I Love You So Deeply

“Although you did not come from my seed.
I love you so deeply, I help provide what you need.

I see the void in your life of the present fatherly advice. I love you so deeply, I try to relive your strife.

I see your mother’s strength and compassion in your heart. I love you so deeply, I continue to push you to reach a higher mark.

I feel the love and I  humbled to be called your dad. I love you so deeply, even when you get mad.

I could go on forever of how deeply love you. Fortunately for you, my action shows that my love is true.

I love you so deeply because you are you.”

 

 

The Struggle

I don’t have the words to even begin to express the deep sadness in my soul, but I will try. I cry at the state of our world and wonder will things ever get better? Will people see there is power in the action as well as inaction?

I personally feel that now days it is just as unsafe for African-Americans then ever before. Bigotry and racism has been the number one hazard to our health. Open abuse of power in the justice system has become the norm.

A routine traffic stop or the false inkling of “a threat” another life is lost. Society has this arrogant attitude that some of us are untouchable. While families are being torn apart by senselessness and pure hatred.

 

As an African-American woman I have to remind my daughters (19 and 11) daily to ALWAYS stay in prayer, aware of your surrounds, and be safe. I myself have been a law abiding citizen, paid my taxes, and live my life according to the way God requires me to do. Yet, is it enough? Not one bit, because Its “black, stay back. White is alright.” Forgive me if that saying was quoted incorrectly.

I understand our constitutional rights of freedom of speech, the right to bare arms, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. However, when we speak out, we are beaten. When we lawfully protect what is ours, we are classified as a threat. Our lives are being taken. Our liberties continue to hold us down by our necks and stop the voice of positive growth of our people. The pursuit of happiness, is only attainable for those “worthy” of them.

“Father in heaven, please heal the hearts and minds of those that proceed to eliminate us. I plead for a safer tomorrow for us all. Heal and comfort the masses that remain broken in unspeakable ways. I thank you in advance for your word says you hear the prayers of the meek. Please bring peace with unity. Amen.”

Nat

“The Show Me State”

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“……My move was the escape he needed as a means to get out of our relationship. In reality, the move truly brought to my attention that all I really had was sex with an unemployed roommate. We shared some sweet moments, but nothing so earth shattering that would make me reject an offer to move for the betterment of my current situation. In my mind I “created” a relationship that I wanted and refused to accept things for what they were. There was no real “love being lost” just a superficial sexual relationship. The end result was Yolanda and I taking that leap of faith and leaning on a lifelong friend for help. A few days later, I was on Interstate 35 Northbound to Kansas City with the city light of Backwoods fading in the distance. Not knowing that I was leaving the hot grease and heading straight for the fires of an open flame…..”

This is another excerpt from my upcoming memoir, “Bruised, But Not Broken” due out this holiday season.

Be Blessed,

Nat

Sharpen Me

Please forgive me for the delayed post. I have been spreading my wings and learning to fly. While battling the trials and tribulations of life, I had to stop and appreciate the little things that I often have taken for granted.

Let’s take for example friendships. Let me be clear in this day and age the precise definition of friends has gotten lost in translation depending on who you ask. Aside from “friends” on social media, can you honestly say that you have genuine friends?
The friends I am speaking of are those that have surpassed the title of the friend and has transformed into adopted family. This class of friends (AKA play/adopted cousins/sisters/brothers/parents/aunts and uncles) are incredibly unique based on the bond that is shared by choice, not by obligation. Many of these friendships are conceived instantaneity while others take the time to build a solid foundation.
I can count on one hand of my friends that are closer to me than family. I trust my sisters more than most of my family. Every opportunity that presents its self I express my love, admiration, and prayers to them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Thus we have to love while we can. Love those family and friends like it is your only mission in life. Love them unconditionally and encourage each other to reach for their dreams without reservations.
My heart beams with joy after any communication with one of my girlfriends of seeing them accomplish great things in life. Not only the accomplishments, but the hardships elevate my admiration as love each other thru the pains of life and sometimes death. The Bible teaches us that ““Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other.” Proverbs‬ ‭27:17‬

Who sharpens you?

Nat