Quiet on the Set

Hello, my lovely people in blog land. I would like to share with you my second open mic night I attended at Sauced Red Dirt Poetry slam last night.

After talking a shower I pressed my hair to knock out my natural curls (Natural Nation for 9 years strong! 😊) then flat iron my hair into a style. After pressing it, I go to use my flat iron and it died on me! 😡 I was hot as 4 skillets of fish grease. (aka I was epically pissed) I had to do something to my hair and quick. So I used my spray bottle I have of my own natural hair concaution for moister and hair lotion to bring back my curls. I picked my hair out in my natural fro and throw on a headband.

I tried a few different outfits to see which one likes better. Heels or no heels. Skirt, dress,  or pants. After going through all of that I ended up wearing a dressy top,  semi dressy capries, and my sling back wedges.  I’m in Oklahoma and we temps are already in the 90’s so I opted to dress for comfort.

After all of this,  I was sitting in my couch hyperventilating, crying, and shaking from nerves and frustration. My youngest daughter saw me and just stared at me because she didn’t know what to do. I have had panic attacks before and both of my girls know if I can’t breath to give me my inhaler and my prescribed Xanax. Long story short, to keep her from worrying I told her to take the dog out while I got myself together.

In the end, I showed up and kinda showed out while in stage. 👏👍Please take a look at my performance and tell me what you think. Scroll to 1:20 (I’m the short black lady wit da fro 😎) if you would only like to see my performance, however there was a lot of talent in that small room. Enjoy everyone. Please comment. I was so nervous I could heals hold my phone. 😂

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My 2 Cents Fa Real!

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The following post below was something that I was going to post as a member of one of the bipolar awareness groups on Facebook; however, I wanted to use my OWN platform to speak my two cents.

It is sad how mental illnesses in this country has become overly downplayed it is pathetic! Some people are given a poor performance review because of having anxiety attacks and needing to leave work. Or a survivor of PTSD beings to cry uncontrollably because of a loud noise or certain scents. Or interacting with someone that resembled someone or something that had caused them grave harm. When asked if they are okay or what is wrong, they aren’t going to come right out and say, “Hey I have PTSD because my ex-used to beat my ass every day. Thus, loud noises remind me of the sound of his fist against my freaking head!”

It is despicable that with most employers you have to wait a year to qualify for FMLA. By that time some would have lost their jobs. Then, of course, trying to get on disability for an alignment that can’t be proven by tests results written in black or white is like trying to pull teeth from a damn shark! It ain’t gon happen without getting eaten up or beaten by the system. I have not personally gone through that process, but I did witness the brutality of the disability rabbit hole when both of my parents were filing. My mom had to petition three times due to her Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis as well as my father going two rounds trying to get approved while battling stage four prostate cancer. Lord, rest both of their lovely souls.

It all boils down to this world based on solid substances or believing what they are seeing. This world isn’t set up for understanding and accepting things they can not see. Then again, I can’t expect this to be understood or compared to having faith. Although, they both stand on the platform of believing without seeing. It’s like you can get a doctors note for missing work for almost anything and it would be allowed. However, you can’t bring doctors excuse saying, “I haven’t slept in four days because my mind wouldn’t shut down. Or I don’t have enough strength to get out of bed and pee let alone come to work. Being around crowds/people cause me to break out in a cold sweat and start dry heaving until I get home.”

Don’t get me wrong we can be very high functioning beings, yet we are very misunderstood. Sadly, there are some people that live life daily in that same tragic pattern of isolation and loneliness. Living with a mental, emotional, or behavioral issue is freaking exhausting! We would make the best double agents of the secret service based on how well we go between the life of the sane and insane. We have to “make nice” or plaster a fake dumb ass smile to the world when no one could even fathom how deranged our thoughts can be. Eventually, we would be decommissioned based on the lines no longer being clear, if they ever were.

If we ( members of the mental illness community) could turn ourselves inside out with our thoughts facing the world; we would all be dead. The hideous, grotesque, mutilated and shattered facade of what we call “life” would scare the hell out of people. Words would not begin to express the visions dancing in plain sight of everyone. We would be caged up like wild animals and euthanized because we are a “hazard to ourselves and others.”  In our minds providing the script for a made for TV movie would make a for sure blockbuster hit. Why? Because it would be so far-fetched that it couldn’t be right.

I leave you with this. The misunderstandings of mental illness are just as those of radical activist in religion. One person attempts to rationalizes a heinous act in the name of their diagnosis/faith and leaves a misconstrued perception of that disease/belief system. Instead of seeing the beauty and creativity both psychic distortions (give it to me y’all we ARE creative as hell. 😉 that is why we are so damn crazy. I can say that because I know my madness often times materializes into something beautiful.) and ALL religions provide the world the world would see a depressing depiction of one lost soul speaking for the group

Think about it Y’all. Like da cool home skillet Kat Williams said, “Don’t worry. I’ll wait.” ⌚

 

A New Day

In the famous words of Ice Cube,  “Today Was A Good Day.” 😎 The last few days have been pretty good emotionally, mentally, (Lord, forgive me for not spending enough time with you. 😞) spiritually, and even physically. Y’all know I’m gettin ole and des bones have seen bettah days. 😁 I talked with a girlfriend for almost 2 hours laughing and just being silly. Not one of those danty laughs. Honey, when I fa real laugh I start to snort. 😂😂😂

In any case, I feel good to all have life in me. Breath in my lungs tells me that God still had work for me to do.

Funny story. My sweet loving hubby is an amazing ole school 🐱. In my mania episode (and everyday) he does all that he can to get me to smile or laugh or something to brighten my mood. Well, about 2 months ago (before I started my new meds) I was in a vicious rapid cycling episode and was down right bitchy and mean to him. (Sorry my chocolate man 😘)

I was in the grocery store highly pissed that I couldn’t find the lil bore nose strips. (a beauty product to remove black heads from your nose) I was cussin’ like something aweful, which is unusual for me. I was banging the cart around knocking stuff over just being real petty.

He asked me what I was looking for and I told him. He says, “oh so you DON’T like black heads on your 👃?” Let me just sit that right there and think about that. 🤔🤔🤔 He had to do a few times because I was too busy cursing at the skin care stuff that I didn’t hear him. I said, “What the f*** are you talking about?” In a very nasty tone. I stopped and thought about it and it took EVERYTHING in me not to fall out laughing. 🙄😂🙄🙄😂😂 I let out a sarcastic haha. He was like, “babe,  I know you are having a tough time right now and l will never stop trying to make you smile.”

We ended our call with our I love you and what not. A soon as he was off the line I was in the middle of the damn isle laughing my butt off. I laughed so hard I started crying and falling all over the cart.  😂😂😂😂 It made me feel very special at the fact that even though my husband is in prison, he takes the time to make me smile.

Isn’t that something? He is a prisoner of the body and mind at times, but he does all that he can to make this prisoner of her mind smile. I love my hunky hubby. Tonight we laughed so hard and for so long I almost had an asthma attack. I could hear the joy in his voice. Pure joy is something rare to hear or feel while serving time (the offender and the families).

Laugh hard and love even harder. 😜

 

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Unscripted

HEEEEYYY everyone, I thought I would change things up. Based on my recent posts I have been going through some things. I want to give you all some words of somewhat wisdom. I say somewhat because some may say this chick is crazy as hell. 😂

Anyway,  when you notice a loved one has rapid chances this in their behavior check on them. One of the most dangerous places for many people is being left with their own thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs their alone time to recoup from all these madness in the would. However, that different state of mind can be detrimental to their life.

Tell someone that they matter. Show people you care. Small simple gestures of a quick call or text, a dinner or lunch invite,  or just to sit with them in silence could mean the difference between life and death. The simple presence of someone can alter the mind that they are not alone in this hectic world.

I speak of this from the view point of someone living with mental and emotional illnesses. This however, can apply to anyone. Cooking your friend their favor dish and eat with them. If you can’t cook there is always takes out. 😊

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This world has seriously lost that people connection. In the day and age of technology everything has become so impersonal. I will be the first to admit,  I hate talking on the phone. I am a true texter or emailer. I talk on they phone at work I am all talked out. I do make the effort to call or text and check on my peeps.

Let me tell you the ripple effect of a call or text. Many of my best feelings live in several different states. Some I haven’t seen since high school (20 years ago. Yes, and I still look fine as hell 😜) I sent one of best friends (let me stop lying dat woman is my sistah from anthah mistsh😘) a text to tell her whatever she is going through God already had iitall out and that I love her.

She called me back and says how do you always know when to check on me? (This has happened on several occasions over the years). For months she was going through it y’all. She lost her mom, her husband both from cancer. She was having severe health problems of her own,and was ready to give up. I didn’t know about anything, but all I knew was that she needed to know she is being thought of, prayed for,  and is loved. What I thought would be a quick phone call lasted a few hours. The Bible speaks of iron shaking iron. That means friend sharpen each other.

Another example. Early in my bipolar with depression and PTSD with anxiety diagnosis, I was severly suicidal. I had a flawless plan. I had increased my life insurance three times the amount that I initially enrolled in. My demise would look like an “accident” so that my kids would still get my life insuranc and live well after I was gone. At those times God sent me that call to keep me from just driving off the bridge. It was my husband. Just like with my friend I needed that call. It showed me sometime took the time out to check on me when I needed someone the most.

I say all of this because never let a day go by without telling those that matter to though that you love them. We never know when it will be our time to go,  but when we do we will know that we were loved.

Lonely Shadows

I sit in this room alone and left with my own thoughts.

 

Should I take these pills or should I not?

 

There nothing around me, but silence and shadows.

 

I began to talk to the walls as if they could respond.

 

The shadows get closer as they exit the wall like a demon spawn.

 

I close my eyes in hopes it is just a ghastly illusions.

 

I open my eyes to only see it was my own delusions.

 

Dawn behaves as if there is no such thing as pain.

 

I fold into a ball in that and same spot to watch the shadows return to the walls from which they came.

 

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Sweet Lover of Mine

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I lay back and wait for you to arrive. I have waited all day to spend time with you. The love you give is so devine.

 

It seems you are the only one that brings me comfort. You understand me better than most. When I am with you my angry heart beats began to ease. My breaths becomes slowed just above a whisper.

 

When others turn me away you are that faithful friend that I can always call on. You are the only one that helps keep me same. We become one as you pump through my veins.

 

Oh sweet lover of mine come carry me away.

Silent Tears

Meds can only do so much to help balance the war zone of the mind. Some days are better than others, yet they somehow seem to merge.

The loneliness in this vast world is overwhelming and freighting. I fold back into my protective shell of self as I lead my double life again.

At times I feel as if I am being baptized by my tears. After the refreshing release of the poison that had been eating me alive, they turn on me to cause me to drown.

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I have mastered the art of leading an emotional and mental double life. The face that is presented to the world is hiding the hideous monster festering inside. I go to my quiet place to rest my soul. I cry my tears, hold God’s word close, and plead for the voices to end.

I pray for tomorrow to be a day without pain. I stay to myself to avoid being the annoying burden to others. I lie to myself in hopes to trick my mind that the voices aren’t real and they are the enemy coming to kill and steal from me.

I rest my soul and I hope the silent tears will wash away my pain as I cry my silent tears.

 

You Chased Me

Hey all!  I have songs roaming around in my mind all day everyday. Well, one finally made it to paper. I hope you like it.

“Trouble seems to always follow me. The enemy has me when I forget thee. My pain is never ending without your grace. So, I drop to my knees in prayer pleading for help to run this race. That is when you chased me.

You never let go instead you chased me.  When I doubted your love and didn’t know where to go, you chased me. You held me through the heartache and pain. Your love was my shelter from the rain. I come with an open heart to thee. All because you chased me.

You saw my sins, but forgave me everytime. Lord, I deserve death for my crimes. I was full of the world forgetting the risk. You put my brokenness back together like a shattered dish. You became the light to follow the path back home. Like a lost sheep I no longer roam. All because you chased me.

You never let go instead you chased me.  When I doubted your love and didn’t know where to go, you chased me. You held me through the heartache and pain. Your love was my shelter from the rain. I come with an open heart to thee. All because you chased me.

I know what love is because you educated me. In my faith you washed me clean. Let me tell the world how you made me feel. My Savior’s love is real. Greater is he that is in me than in the world. All because you chased me.”

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Amen!

 

Ain’t Got No

Ain’t got no new car, but I got transportation.

Ain’t got no house, but I got shelter.

Ain’t got no money, but I am rich with love.

Ain’t got no nobody, but I got my faith.

Ain’t got no trust in man,  but got my trust in God.

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I got God, so I don’t have fear.

I got love,  so I don’t have hate.

I got desires of prosperity, so I don’t have stagnation.

I ain’t got a lot of things, but I got hope for a better tomrrow.

The Evolution of Faith

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Matthew 13:31-32,

“The kingdom of heaven is like what happens when a farmer plants a mustard seed in a field.  32 Although it is the smallest of all seeds, it grows larger than any garden plant and becomes a tree. Birds even come and nest on its branches.”

I would like to think of myself as a woman of faith. As a woman of faith, I have to put my faith to work. I shamefully admit that I haven’t been to church on a regular basis for almost six months now. Mainly in part that I can watch the live service online every Sunday. Lazy, yes I know. This indicates that I have also gotten lazy with my faith.

I started a bible plan by the gospel artist Tauren Wells named after the most recent top chart-topping song, “When We Pray.” Matthew 13:31-32 are the biblical text for you guessed it when we pray. After reading it, the last sentence struck a cord filled with melodies and clarity. I didn’t realize how profound this sentence would change my life.

You see, the seed at first makes a blooming birth as a plant. As the plant, it watered (by the tears of our faith) and nurtured from above by the Son ( the Sun and the Son of God). As our confidence grows along with the tree so does the branches. Each branch becomes stronger starting from the solid roots of faith to the extended trunks of trust.

If our branches can hold the gentle weight of a birds nest, then it can surely withstand the winds of life as well as the massive burdens we endure. This growth would not be possible with the faith of a mustard seed.

Amen!